I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize