Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
