i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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