My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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