I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
