dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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