3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
