Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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