Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
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You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
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I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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