Duck Duck Cougar?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
