I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
