Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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