I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Are my feet made of real feet?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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