when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
