Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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