Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
