I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
