Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
