I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Randomize
