Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
