I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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