ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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