I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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