eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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