There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I need to align my fucking chakras
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
