if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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