I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
