I puked a lego.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
