I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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