God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
