so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
