I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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