I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He shit in the fireplace
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
