I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We had to coat check the pizza.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
