look no pants
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
