Betty ford says i'm here all night
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
