he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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