Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
