Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
