Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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