I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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