I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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