Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
