Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
