I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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