U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
