he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
