just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
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Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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