I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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