She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
