I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
