Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
