My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
