someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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