Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
