I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
