I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
