Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
